The dreadful conspiracy ‘they’ don’t want you to know about
I have a terrible feeling that we have had a mini alien invasion and that nobody else has worked it out, yet.
I haven’t been able to uncover all of the facts, but I think there’s a reverse force-field in play.
It’s acting like a mirror and is blocking all the parts of the internet which connect research evidence and common sense to health services.
Before you think I’ve finally lost it (or MI5 comes to get me. Is it MI5 that deals with alien invaders? Must Google that…), here are some examples to back up my theory:
Birth in the dark
We know that giving birth with low-level lighting helps a woman to feel safe and secure and to produce more natural oxytocin – the hormone which helps her to give birth.
And yet – WHOOMP! This information entered the force-field and got switched round!
Instead of giving birth somewhere cosy and dark, the care providers gave us hospitals with noise and bright lights.
Alien interference is the only logical explanation.
One-to-one care
Having a known person with you before, during and after labour gives the best physical and emotional outcomes for mothers and babies.
Continuous support during pregnancy and knowing the people who care for you in labour can make all the difference in how you feel about your birth experience.
And yet, in recent years the vortex has come into play. The information has been scrambled and instead most women in the UK will not have met the Midwife who is with them during birth until they go into labour.
This is why so many people have turned to Doulas. Doulas appear to be able to cross the alien portal and still keep their connection to the outside world. Maybe they are double-agents? Hmmm…
Delayed cord clamping
Letting the baby have its own blood rather than stopping the supply as soon as he or she is born has been known to lead to better outcomes for decades.
But the alien translators got it backwards, and at the time of writing, the NICE Guidelines still recommend cutting the cord as soon as the baby is born.
You’d have thought with these three clear examples, even the worst sceptic would be convinced of the existence of a force-field.
But I know some of you are really cynical, so there’s more…
Birth on your back
Giving birth on your back is known to be a not-very-fabulous position for most women having a baby.
But something really odd is going on. Despite lots of information that standing, squatting, kneeling or doing pretty much anything that your body and your baby tells you feels right is better than being flat on your back, most women in the UK still give birth lying down.
Does the vortex operate around hospitals? Do they know they’ve been affected?
Do we need to issue protective layers of tin foil and hats made of colanders to every pregnant woman in the land?
What’s going to stop this reverse force-field from taking over?
Length of pregnancy
We have known since – forever – that babies don’t come on a particular timetable.
But the force-field has been at work again. Scientists are ‘surprised’ by the idea that there’s a five week difference in the length of most pregnancies.
And the NICE guidelines? They ‘offer’ induction to anyone over 41 weeks.
Even though we know that babies aren’t ‘overdue’ until 42 (or even 43) weeks.
As I’m sure that most healthcare professionals are marvellous and intelligent human beings, the only obvious explanation is an alien force-field.
Otherwise, it’d be like saying that a lot of humans in positions of authority are really, really stupid – and that just won’t do.
The aliens are trying to intercept women’s knowledge, and stop it from getting to those who care for them. I don’t know why. Maybe they are afraid women are too powerful.
It must be a conspiracy…
References and further geekery:
Oxytocin – Michel Odent (Daily Telegraph)
One-to-one care – Midwife4Me
Cord clamping – Delayed Cord Clamping
Five week window for giving birth – BBC News
Thank you to DuncanCV for the image of the alien babies.
What other evidence of this alien force-field have you found? Please report your findings in the comments below. They can’t round us up all at once…
I strongly refute any suggestions that I have spent too much time watching announcements about the new Doctor Who.